The obstinacy in me respects the obstinacy in you

I wasn't scared enough to move in a different direction until I had found a level of despair that was so painfully grotesque that every aspect of existing hurt.  

I reached this point in active addiction and I also reached this point in active sobriety.  

Every so often, I find myself in an opportunity to share this experience with people who are looking for change, and it is sometimes received well and sometimes I'm looked at like I have two heads.  

Sometimes people are absolutely interested in listening to my experience and the answers I've found, and other times people are halfway interested, if at all.

They want the results of a "better" life, but because they can't move through the resistance and defensiveness that comes up for them, they can't even find the willingness to see their "shutdown" to do anything different. 

Moving into willingness is something that challenges me everyday.  I see it when I see it, and I can't see it when I can't see it.

But, I have absolutely no chance of viewing anything differently if I don't create space to take a good hard look inward. Without looking inward I will not tap into the deep wisdom of truth that is what can ultimately guild me out of the darkness.

What is true for me is that no matter how many lessons I am taught, or how much insight I gain, I still get jammed up with this defensiveness, as we all get jammed up in these oh so familiar ways that we dangerously can accept as our norm.

What I understand (but consistently need to remind myself is that)......., it's ok to get jammed up.

To get stuck.

It's ok.

Take a breath...... it's ok.

But, It is hard watching someone without this acceptance of themselves, get jammed up and be absolutely convinced and be so committed to being jammed up, that this mindset they are committed to, catastrophically piles up, blocking them from ever considering that they could see it any other way.

Totally blind to only one vision.  

I have this from time to time. We all have this.  No amount of experience or enlightenment will prevent this blindness from coming in,

BUT,

when I allow myself to nurture an awareness and a humility to see myself as perfectly, beautifully flawed, and I express that I WANT to see these things about myself, and I want to forgive myself for these ways I fall short, then I can also forgive your flaws and I can lessen the ways I judge you and the world, and then, the burden of this experience does not weigh so heavy on me.